The unfair bioweapon27 May 2019
The worst weapon is need
The most horrific weapon on the human psyche is not neglect, ignorance, disheartening, shame, or even choice. The most unfair weapon is need. Need is something that holds us in place from our own self-interest. Our own selfishness turned against ourselves. How can young people claim to understand need at the end of 19? How can they face the gravity of the situation with guns loaded at their head for fear of people losing their own interest or motives. For fear of going against the grain where society says you should be responsible. The problem with the poor and with class is that much of our time, we spend our efforts judging those around us, people of similar character. Of similar status.
And yet somehow our friends, thsoe close to us, colleagues are supposed to understand and empathize with us, when we spend so little time perfecting the soul. Some of us shed all of the religious doctrine because it seems empty, time consuming, and based on promises. When so much of society revolves around efforts that are technical, coercive, and subversive. Children are lead to believe work is either beneath them or above them to simplify explinations that are intrinsically related to class, romance. Lies. Things that need shielding. Things that have no logical explination, they are temporal and static, sure. But they also defend their own value with intrinsic worth, rather than things demonstrable. The nature of romance in the first place is based on gesture, effort, promises, and consistency that is neither good nor bad, just 'up for debate'.
If that is the case for romantic love, and other types of love, then why is this not true of child-rearing. Children have no choice of the situation that they are born in to. They have opinions of how satisfied or disatisfied they are with circumstance or environment and act accordingly. For me, without getting too personal, I was born into an environment of love and acceptance, and fear. Fear of my differences. Fear of my angst or confusion. And the more the neglect continued, the more encouraged I was that no answers were 'necessary' or given. And when my sister left home, the loneliness and subversion only seemed more overwhelming. So yea I kind of liked the first friends that I had. It was something different and true. But I begin to believe that no amount of schooling or work or inaction can teach me what I would need to know about the stakes at play when so many egos are bound to clash. So yea, my ego took over and it just seemed like each and every thing that was satisfying me at the time was 'a gift' and not something I'd earned. The only lessons learned of romance from women for most of my life were 'youre not ready yet'. And after some time, the deninal wore off. Would I have been a better person had they indulged me from the get go? Hope not. Because to that end, they certainly taught me that 'no' was gonna happen. And I had no idea how long some people could say 'no' to my interests or desires.
The convenient part of these lies is that people will bend that truth to their own simply to exert leverage over a situation. Had I not been giving my everything? Giving all of my best efforts to rising to some impossible middle ground that is inflexible and unkind? A place where older people get to exert their influence only because of their age and their proximity to the calamity? And where were they when all of my questions about calamity got 'technical' and detailed. Bioweapons, terrorism, bullying, machismo? Douchebaggery and sex work? The nature of rape. The nature of all questions relating to treating your friends with a degree of interest and disinterest. 'Well thats an internal choice.' Well that's a non-lesson. That's a dismissal. What about class and privelege. What about the race issue. What about the human interests that are subverted only for wealth. We don't deserve more wealth than others. And we certainly don't deserve more ability to centralize these issues into a few teachers and dodge responsibility for our failures to teach.
You may be the first to come to the defence when it's needed, but you're also the same part of human nature that is the first to put on a mask in the face of opportunity and bend it to your will. You may have time and experience on your side but you also have the weakness of greed and manipulation. Everything has a cost, sure, but most of the 'costs' society refers to are unquantifiable until you get to the 'not yet' part. See that's a calculation. See that's a number. Not a word. Sure right and wrong can sometimes boil down to a mere sentence. A mere word. But it also boils down to a judgement that is external and doesn't face a degree of personal choice or scrutiny. Because most dark deals or judgements take place in the dark. I'm well aware that there's a cost. I'm also well aware that no degree of effort or flexing can make love happen. Nor is there a place where I can honestly reflect how sincere her efforts were in demonstrating her work ethic that she was so quick to doubt her own intelligence and studiousness and I was so quick to guess that she wouldn't be happy with what I was offering. You spend all your time protecting your dad like a good girl. But not once have you explained an inadequacy or a fault to him. You only had one motivation and one alone. To kiss ass. And guess what, the same emotional intelligence that you wanted to grow, to become empathic. You spend so little of that on me or coming in tune with my doubts or my fears. And that was exactly why I hired you in the first place. I was looking for an empath when my own best friend simply did not share or trade favors, or trade phone calls, or explain his need. And on top of that I had to sacrifice every single strand of stupid hope that I could be friends with other nihilists and butt heads with people who were willing to say tough things about the nature of friendship. Not once did my friends from my home town call in to question my integriy or suggest a path that would 'fit'. And yea girl, you squeak away here. You were there when I needed it. But you weren't there otherwise, just to involved in your own journey. And face down on the ground I'm supposed to get right the fuck back up and become a perfect brother or son?
Is this your lesson about heartbreak? That when it is explicit and clear, it's still not honored. A text message? 5 minutes for a text message? I've talked more with Marcus in the last year than we've talked. I would guess that my facebook friends know more about my distress and my interests, my sense of humor, or my social nature than you do. Cause you didn't even fucking invest. Instead.... we all just look out for people who are immediate. People who are holding us good. And maybe that's what I should have done. Just dropped out and fucking invested into a squad that would leave in a year or two. In people who weren't worried about love or romance or their image. Not concerned with gossip or two-faced stuff, but people who knew enough about it to teach it. Maybe that would have been more disappointing to her but more realistic for what I've got left in the tank. I was taken the fuck down. And you know what? No one messages me on their own. Maybe somewhere deep inside I thought people were on my damn team.
And yea you can rationalize that your own way to be dismissive. I'm learning that game too. Guess I'll teach that to all of your damn kids some day. But instead of invalidating my emotions you could try holding a hand out and say 'move here'. There's this and this and this is the cost but it's just what you need right now. And you know what? Drinking and celebration certainly was what I needed to feel good at one point. But at this point you're very aware of exactly what I needed from them. Clearness. Defeat. The face of unbreakable challenge. But something that was honest and true and not subverssive and manipulative. They want the most mileage out of me, so why isn't that fucking right up front. Yeah the type of people I want to be in business right now might not be the type with enough courage and selfishness to do so, but guess what. You're not putting up a fight. Meanwhile I've got so many cigarettes left in my pocket and I'm wondering which ones I need to use to get enough courage to even leave a trail of breadcrumbs as to what the fuck went wrong.
So yea I needed you. I needed you to not fear using our love as a tool for manipulation. To even feel selfish enough to ante up and try to touch this broken and backwards heart of mine. Instead there's only two people who keep the game going. Mom and dad. And they're not even fighting the good fight right now. They're just on damage control. How am I supposed to fucking grow if the lesson the world gives you is 'sit down and shut up, but oh yea also keep making friends and evolve and it'll work out somehow' that's like... that's like neglect level 100, vagueness level 100, and empathy level 0. At least when I was in college, I could tell when I had good intentions or bad intentions. Now that I'm here it's just 100% honesty society will not provide for you, you have no value to society unless you scream at the top of your lungs how fucked up this is. That all of a sudden there's this two-faced christian who will stop at nothing till he destroys the trust in your family, a sister who didn't believe in any of that stuff all of a sudden and just decided that some other image was more important that supporting you in yours. Yeah I know she's got my back, but in what sense 'you get an invite to all of the coolness i've cultivated in my life' and that's supposed to be an olive branch? No that's a fucking seed of envy trying to be sewn, and no where near what a brother needs to hear. Instead it's just 'go to the therapist' and a whole bunch of non-answers. You all didn't believe in me, you're just silent and mindful of costs and think I don't need any more feeding. What my soul? You don't want to feed my ego? Sure maybe you've got me there. But maybe it's not that hard for you to swallow than to acknowledge that some part of my masculinity is facing forwards and is trying to move. And one side of me is just clueless and not making any progress on this emotional thing. And i'm the backwards one.
I'm the one who was raised to believe in freedom. I'm the one who was raised to believe in bravery, but the bravest things I've ever done was give people signals to fuck off when I want nothing more than for them to see me. To invite me. To try to find good in me and let it bloom. To be brave enough and clear enough to see if I'm trying to show off my intelligence or to simply show them their own ignorance, or sacrifices. Yeah I know some of my blessings are curses. But no one is giving the ante right now. You wonder why I put most of it into the 401? Because you said the banks were gonna fuck everyone over. And you never said that you needed to ante up on your own right now in a very real way. And the moment that I had some command over my finances... the timelines are so split there's not recovering. You think I'm smart enough to do that on my own? It was more like "fixing you is gonna take a lot of work, and you're saying doublespeak about marriage and age and not one thing about how you feel lucky all of a sudden". THAT WAS MY FUCKING PARENTS. NOT ME. IM DOING THIS CAUSE IM SOMEWHERE ELSE THAT ISN'T WHERE THEY PUT ME OR MAKE ME LOOK GOOD. I'M AT THE BOTTOM OF CONFRONTING ALL THE REALITY THAT SAID YEAH YOU CAN BE A FUCKING DRUGGY OR AN ABUSER AND THEN OH WAIT, YOU'RE ALREADY ONE. And you'll show them no quarter all because you know how to use the 'block' button. If I could find a way to truce, I might. But on the other hand. I had to see your damn cards. Cause I know there's no quarter for anyone.
And I know if I'm only so deep in the true friendship and trust thing, then you must be as fucking desperate to learn those lessons as I am. And guess what. Marriage was a way to die. Marriage was a way to get out of the game. Not a way to get in it. Meanwhile, the stakes of the old game still aren't clear, and the new game too. You're all a bunch of shitheads. I don't believe in any of this fucking tell me what I want to hear shit. Because the type of friends I was looking for was the type who could tell me what I didn't want to hear. Who didn't placate. You want me to be an evolutionist? Make me believe you're evolved. Yeah I've heard the backwards stuff. And sometimes a lot of this shit is really tempting for exactly these reasons. My whole life has been red pills with implicit costs or forced blue pills that are given without rationale. Fuck you. The first rule of any business is be upfront about the cost. And yes I'm a hypocrite, but I'm playing by your rules. Not mine. Remember?